Saturday, April 01, 2006

The Atheist's Dayenu

(Note: Dayenu is a Hebrew song from the Passover Hagaddah. The word means "it would have been enough for us." This is my parody. If you're at all religious, you'll probably be offended. Sorry in advance.)


If the Torah described a flat Earth covered by a dome,
But didn't say Man was formed of dirt,
dayenu.

If it said Man was formed of dirt,
But didn't imply the Earth was only 6000 years old,
dayenu.

If it implied the Earth was only 6000 years old,
But didn't forbid the eating of Knowledge,
dayenu.

If it forbade the eating of Knowledge,
But didn't blame Woman for Original Sin,
dayenu.

If it blamed Woman for Original Sin,
But didn't speak of giants,
dayenu.

If it spoke of giants,
but not of novocentenarians,
dayenu.

If there were novocentenarians,
But but not the Tower of Babel myth,
dayenu.

If it contained the Tower of Babel myth,
But didn't claim a global Flood,
dayenu.

If it claimed a global Flood,
But didn't ask us to cut our weewees,
dayenu.

If it asked us to cut our weewees,
But didn't make up the Exodus story,
dayenu.

If it made up the Exodus story,
But didn't condone slavery in the ten commandments,
dayenu.

If it condoned slavery in the ten commandments,
But didn't allow selling your daughter,
dayenu.

If it allowed selling your daughter,
But didn't encourage animal sacrifices,
dayenu.

If it encouraged animal sacrifices,
But didn't ask us to kill Sabbath-breakers,
dayenu.

If it said to kill Sabbath-breakers,
But demanded understanding of homosexuals,
dayenu.

If it told us to kill homosexuals,
But taught us germ theory,
dayenu.

If it neglected to teach us germ theory,
But didn't blame the lepers for their illness,
dayenu.

If it blamed the lepers for their illness,
But didn't write of talking donkeys,
dayenu.

If it wrote of talking donkeys,
But didn't glorify wars of conquest,
dayenu.

If it glorified wars of conquest,
But we weren't taught Moses wrote the Five Books,
dayenu.

8 comments:

dbs said...

Nice. One of the things which gets me about orthodoxy is how there is such a tendancy to 'pile on' with more and more supernatural mythology. I sometimes think "Dayenu!" just about each specific belief. Here is just one example:

...if we had to believe that the sea split, but not that Nachshon Ben Aminadav jumped in...
Dayenu!

...that Nachson jumped, but not that all of the tribe of Judah jumped...
Dayenu!

...that Judah all jumped, but not that it was only due to the merit of the the bones of Joseph...
Dayenu!

...that it was only by the merit of Joseph's bones, but that the sea did not argue with Moses...
Dayenu!

...that the sea argued with Moses, but that it split into only one path, not 12...
Dayenu!

...that it split into 12 paths, but not that each body of water in the world split..
Dayenu!

Dai, dayenu!

Hrafnkel said...

Great post, JA.

Mis-nagid said...

dbs, That's not strictly true. Those are midrashim, and it's still valid Orthodoxy to take them allegorically (at least for now).

dbs said...

mis-nagid,

I know. Still, our kids are taught this as fact, not fiction (even in MO schools - if you have kids, ask them) and, even in adults, the line between myth and reality is very blurry.

In any case, it's the endless need to keep stretching things which gets me.

Mis-nagid said...

*nods*

snaars said...

It's a pesach miracle!

Great post - I laughed out loud.

Aviel said...

Very funny. I was laughing hard. Keep it up!

asher said...

What about the Darwin dayenu?

If he had only told us how it all took place,
Dayenu

If only the fossil record were complete,
Dayenu

If only we could reproduce evolution in any setting,
Dayenu

If only we could explain asexual reproduction,
Dayenu,

If only we could explain photosynthesis,
Dayenu

If only DNA and the double helix had not formed on their own, totally by coincidence,
Dayneu

If only the missing link could be found and not be a hoax,
Dayenu,

If only everyone would believe that it's "science",
Dayenu

If only it were so axiomatic that everyone would believe it,
Dayenu,

If only there were one non-human creature on earth with intelligence half that of a slow child,
Dayenu,

If only those people who talk about Intelligent Design would believe it's not intelligent,
Dayenu,

I could go on....