Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Good News! Ted Haggert Has Been Cured!!

Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

DENVER - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

That's a relief. It was just the "acting-out situations" that made him have repeated sex with a meth-dealing male prostitute.


BaconEating AtheistJew said...

I'll bet they didn't give him the bell test.

Tie a bell around his penis and put him in a room full of naked men.

If the bell rings, he isn't "cured"

david said...

I shudder to think how they "cured" him...hair of the dog that bit him, perhaps?

tikkunger said...

Nice, they must've used some of that Chinese herbal medicine or something.

In fact I bet it was some of that bear penis powder, because I hear it'll knock the gay right out of you and 48 hours.

tikkunger said...

oops sorry that should read.

Nice, they must've used some of that Chinese herbal medicine or something.

In fact I bet it was some of that bear penis powder, because I hear it'll knock the gay right out of you in 48 hours.

bets said...


beepbeepitsme said...

Sexuality can be cured? Maybe with a heavy dose of electricity to the gonads one could be "convinced" that one's sexual desires were "cured."

Funny, when people talk about "curing homosexuals" i always think of "A Clockwork Orange" where they used aversion therapy.

Another response to this, which is quite funny,can be seen in one of the Simpson episodes where the family is all rigged up to buzzers where they can zap each other if one of them makes a response that the other disaproves of.


beepbeepitsme said...

I'm with BEAJ. I think they should show him pictures attractive nude men and measure his penis response.

dbackdad said...

Apparently stupidity and hypocrisy can't be cured.

Foilwoman said...

Gosh, as a newly single heterosexual female, I am just filled with hope. What do the ministers who "cured" Haggard say about his wife or any potential future female partner. I guess having an enthusiastic partner isn't something the Bible thinks women need? I mean how aroused can a woman get if her partner has to imagine Rock Hudson (or Rupert Everett or pick your poison) to get busy with her?


skcorefil said...

Haggard doesn't say he is cured. He says he has discovered that he definitely isn't homosexual. Not admitting that he ever was. It is possible for a heterosexual to derive pleasurable stimulation from anyone male or female so the fact that he did what he did doesn't make him homosexual necessarily. Although it does make him a douche bag either way.

jewish philosopher said...

I wish all gays a refuah shleimah - a complete recovery!

beepbeepitsme said...

There is nothing to recover from.

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

Homosexuality happens usually during fetal development. 5-10% of the worlds population are born gay.
It is normal.

If you say it isn't normal, then you could also say that it isn't normal to be born red headed, unless you are an Australian Aboriginal.

Do red heads need to be cured?

beepbeepitsme said...


Redheads obviously need to be cured because they are satan's accomplices. Where do you think they got that redhair from? Hmmmm?

(Sorry, I slipped into superstitious mode momentarily.)

Actually, "playing superstitious" is fun. I can make up all sorts of wild claims and not have to provide evidence for any of them. "Woo woo land" is great for entertainment purposes.

Half Sigma said...

Can pedophila be cured?

The difference is that everyone would want a pedophile to be cured, but for some strange reason people are opposed, on political grounds, to curing homosexuals.

Carol said...

I wonder if they could cure me of my attraction to men. It's becoming a major hindrance as men are pretty much worthless. 15 years of dating hasn't brought me a whole lot of joy. I'd like to try swinging on the lesbian side of the fence for a change.

Feygele Goy said...

You're talking about the reason James Dobson refused to treat Haggert? He claimed it was "time restraints", not opposition or disbelief.

Anonymous said...

Ted has been thinking of men since he was 16 years old. Does Ted think every heterosexual man just starts fantasizing about gay sex as a teenager?