Friday, December 30, 2005

Over Three Hundred Proofs of God's Existence

A funny take on theistic argumentation.

Some highlights:

ARGUMENT FROM CREATION
(1) If evolution is false, then creationism is true, and therefore God exists.
(2) Evolution can't be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable
(3) Therefore, God exists.

COSMOLOGICAL ARGUMENT
(1) If I say something must have a cause, it has a cause.
(2) I say the universe must have a cause.
(3) Therefore, the universe has a cause.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II)
(1) I can conceive of a perfect God.
(2) One of the qualities of perfection is existence.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (I)
(1) Check out the world/universe/giraffe. Isn't it complex?
(2) Only God could have made them so complex.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM BEAUTY, aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II)
(1) Isn't that baby/sunset/flower/tree beautiful?
(2) Only God could have made them so beautiful.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM MIRACLES
(1) My aunt had cancer.
(2) The doctors gave her all these horrible treatments.
(3) My aunt prayed to God and now she doesn't have cancer.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

MORAL ARGUMENT (II)
(1) In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard.
(2) That all changed once I became religious.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENCE
(1) Okay, I don't pretend to be as intelligent as you guys -- you're obviously very well read. But I read the Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God does not exist. I feel him in my heart, and you can feel him too, if you'll just ask him into your life. "For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth." John 3:16.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION
(1) See this bonfire?
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY
(1) Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!
(2) No one has ever refuted (1).
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN EVANGELISM
(1) Telling people that God exists makes me filthy rich.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM FALLIBILITY
(1) Human reasoning is inherently flawed.
(2) Therefore, there is no reasonable way to challenge a proposition.
(3) I propose that God exists.
(4) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM MANIFESTATIONS
(1) If you turn your head sideways and squint a little, you can see an image of a bearded face in that tortilla.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPLETE DEVASTATION
(1) A plane crashed killing 143 passengers and crew.
(2) But one child survived with only third-degree burns.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM POSSIBLE WORLDS
(1) If things had been different, then things would be different.
(2) That would be bad.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM UPPERCASE ASSERTION
(1) GOD EXISTS! GET USED TO IT!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INFINITE REGRESS
(1) Ask Atheists what caused the Big Bang.
(2) Regardless of their answer, ask how they know this.
(3) Continue process until the Atheist admits he doesn't know the answer to one of your questions.
(4) You win!
(5) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM CREATIVE INTERPRETATION
(1) God is:
(a) The feeling you have when you look at a newborn baby.
(b) The love of a mother for her child.
(c) That little still voice in your heart.
(d) Humankind's potential to overcome their difficulties.
(e) How I feel when I look at a sunset.
(f) The taste of ice cream on a hot day.
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM PERFECTION
(1) If there are absolute moral standards, then God exists.
(2) Atheists say that there are no absolute moral standards.
(3) But that's because they don't want to admit to being sinners.
(4) Therefore, there are absolute moral standards.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM POSTMODERNISM
(1) I'm going to prove to you that God exists.
(2) [Insert any of the other arguments on this page in here.]
(3) [Atheist refutes argument.]
(4) I cannot prove there is a God anymore than anyone of us can prove we really exist in a tangible world.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM EXODUS
(1) If the Exodus story has any basis in historical fact, then God exists.
(2) Some guy found some chariot wheels at the bottom of the Red Sea.
(3) There is absolutely no other way that chariots could get to the bottom of the Red Sea.
(4) This means the Exodus story is true.
(5) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF DISPROOF
(1) You can't prove God doesn't exist!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY (I), aka METACROCK'S ARGUMENT
(1) I have a large number of arguments for God.
(2) One of them is probably true.
(3) Therefore, God exists.

29 comments:

CyberKitten said...

You know... If there WAS a Hell.... You've probably just reserved a ticket there....

Funny.

(rotflmao)

Laura said...

Somehow I doubt that the person who believes these passed Geometry class in high school... Funny stuff.

Wandering Coyote said...

Excellent post! I needed a good laugh!

Sadie Lou said...

Somehow I doubt that the person who believes these passed Geometry class in high school...

exactly.
I could read these "arguments" and be offended but they are so lacking in any kind of fact; they ARE laughable.

oracle25 said...

Agreed, I always just remember that atheist's beliefs are falling apart, so they just attack those who are delivering the evidence.

Benjamin said...

Personally, I liked numbers 345 and 352. But yes, that page is great fun. And actually, I wouldn't really diss that listing too much; the only things that separate many of those arguments from full-blown apologetic arguments are sheer word count and use of a thesaurus.

Robert West said...

JA
This post is um, Devine Perfection.
May I have permission to send it to
the Discover Institute,Michael Behe,and assorted fundamentalists
in the Dover,PA.area?

RW

Jewish Atheist said...

Send them the site I linked to, Robert. I didn't write it.

Not that it'll do any good. :)

oracle25 said...

Benjamin: Spoken like someone who has never heard an apologetic argument in their life!!

The interesting thing is about the amount of thought that goes into evolutionist arguments. Not surprising since this is the best an evolutionist can come up with to support his archaic theory!

JDHURF said...

“Agreed, I always just remember that atheist's beliefs are falling apart, so they just attack those who are delivering the evidence.”

“The interesting thing is about the amount of thought that goes into evolutionist arguments. Not surprising since this is the best an evolutionist can come up with to support his archaic theory!” – Oracle25

What exactly are you talking about? This post was not about evolution. Though if you would like to make it about evolution, I suppose you are more than welcome to do so. Tell me, in what way is atheism falling apart? Atheistic beliefs have been around since the written word, it has been immensely furthered and in no way is it “falling apart”. What I find sadistically ironic is that it is actually the fundamental theists that are doing the “evidence attacking,” they constantly search for the “holes,” “gaps,” and “inaccuracies” of evolution it is they (and you) that are doing the attacking my friend, not the other way around. Maybe this is a case of a behavior similar to psychological displacement, you feel an anxious neurosis that your beliefs are being called out as fraudulent so in reaction you go on the offensive claiming that others beliefs are fraudulent as the result of an unconscious ego defense mechanism.
Sure there is a large amount of thought that goes into evolutionist arguments, but this does not prove anything one way or the other. For I may expend large amounts of energy and thought attempting to learn how to fly but this does not mean that natural human flight is possible or realistic.
Also evolution is not an archaic theory, especially compared to the theory of creationism that was created over 2000 years ago! Evolution is a newborn as compared to the religious “alternative”. Again this seems to be a perverse form of displacement, evolution is not archaic creationism and ID is!!

Laura said...

Jdurf beat me to it, but I'll say it anyway because it's just so F'n absurd! Evolution is the archaic theory? Do you own a dictionary Oracle? If you put creationism (as it's understood in the U.S. as the Abrahamic mythology) next to evolutionary theory - which one is archaic? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

Oracle, do you realize how stupid you look to intelligent human beings?

Sadie Lou said...

Although I don't think Oracle represents himself very well, it's never very respectable to make fun of other people. I feel sorry for Oracle--he gets ganged up on quite a bit. There are other ways of addressing his faults without "slapping him around".
It's actually very representitive of this whole post: Let's poke fun of people who are different than us and who clearly believe differently than us.
Find me some Christians making fun of atheists this way and I'll show you hypocracy; show me an atheist making fun of Christians and it's "common sense" or "they deserve it because they're so stupid"
Whatever.

Foilwoman said...

We can disagree and still be kind to one another. I believe Inteligent Design is evangelistic Christianity disguised. I believe creationism is wrongheaded and foolish. I believe Judge Jones is the sexiest man alive. I believe anyone can believe differently. Oracle comes here to post, and should be ready to be disagreed with, but the quality of his/her expression doesn't need to be rated. Agree or disagree, don't grade the guy.

Jewish Atheist said...

Yeah, let's try to keep it civil, guys. I admit my post was a little dismissive of theism, but I really don't think it's that far off. What is the cosmological argument if not the one presented? Leaving out the insulting part, isn't the "argument from creation" a fair representation of the anti-evolutionist crowd? Isn't the Ontological argument fairly representative?

benjamin said...

Please, Oracle. Enlighten us with a "true" apologetic argument.

Sadie Lou said...

I found this quote on a really informational website called "debunking evolution"

"Misguided religion has led to fanaticism and superstition. Predetermination takes the place of honest inquiry and truth is suppressed. All the fallacies of human reason must be exhausted or rejected, before the light of higher truth could meet with ready response."

I would adopt that mantra as my own, as it clearly states my own feelings about fanatical Christians.

He also says:
"If man had really evolved from a lower creature, then it was, as it were, a fact - a law which according to evolutionists, was unceasing in its operations under any conditions whatsoever. If the law was of a constant and permanent nature, ever working itself out, how was it that for thousands of years past, no lower creature had evolved into a human being."

I had to read and re-read this statement a few times before a light bulb went on and I thought, YES!

This guy is not a Christian by the way.

CyberKitten said...

Sadie Lou quoted: If the law was of a constant and permanent nature, ever working itself out, how was it that for thousands of years past, no lower creature had evolved into a human being."

This guy is not a Christian by the way.

Maybe he isn't... But he SURE doesn't understand evolution....

AJ said...

(1) Killing people is bad
(2) People who believe in God have killed others over the years
(3) Therefore God doesn't exist

-------

I've heard this logic before numerous times (or something close to it). Everyone uses false logic when it supports them...not only pro-Religious folk

aj said...

(1) Many people who are religious think they have logical proofs for God
(2) The ones I have been told are false
(2a) I have never heard a true proof for God
(3) Therefore, God doesn't exist

Jewish Atheist said...

There you go, aj. You're getting the hang of it. :)

Ben Avuyah said...

Thanks, JA, Funny post, I needed a smile to start of the day !

Sadie Lou said...

cyberkitten--
Why?

CyberKitten said...

Sadie Lou said: Why?

I presume you mean why I think he doesn't know much about evolution?

For starters it seems that he is assuming that humans are to top of the evolutionary 'chain' and that all other creatures are on their way to being us. Not true.

Evolution doesn't 'aim' at anything. It's just hubris to think that we are the final evolutionary step. Evolution is still happening and will continue to happen LONG after we're extinct.

Evolution is all about adaptation to the environment. Ants, for example, have been around basically in the same form for hundreds of times the length we've been here. They are superbly adapted to their environment. It's just silly to think that ants - or anything else for that matter - are on their way to evolving towards us...

aj said...

And while we're at bad logical arguments, I just had to give you all the best one ever:
---
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Good! So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of
wood.
BEDEVERE: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
---
and if you didn't recognize the quote, then you must rent Monty Python and the Holy Grail now...

JDHURF said...

I love Monty Python!!
It is ironic that you posted this, a few nights ago I watched “The Life of Brian” it was pretty funny. One of my favorite scenes was in the beginning when they are going to stone the blasphemer for speaking Jehova’s name aloud, hilarious!

aj said...

Brian: "You are all individuals"
Crowd: "We are all individuals"
Brian: "You are all different"
Crowd: "We are all different"
Random Man: "Not me"

elf said...

Very entertaining. Thanks :)

Alex Hamilton said...

just have to say i loved this! this is the definition of wit and good humour. very clever