Drugs and Sex in the Orthodox Community

A recent post on Hirhurim got me thinking about drugs in the Orthodox community. I wanted to add my perspective, which might be informative to adults who remained Orthodox. Although I never used drugs or alcohol in high school, I knew some people who did. These aren't intended as the only reasons Orthodox kids use drugs, but simply some reasons that Orthodox people should be more aware of.


Inflexible Parenting

Let's imagine a 16 year old Orthodox boy named Shmuely. He's a basically good kid who does well in school and is well-behaved at home. His parents and his school are very religious. Somewhere along the line, Shmuely realizes that he doesn't really believe in Orthodox Judaism or simply comes to feel that it isn't for him. His parents, although basically loving and decent people, would be infuriated if they found out his true feelings, and Shmuely knows it. Perhaps he's not giving them enough credit, but he can't risk finding out.

Because of this situation, which is not his fault, two things happen. One is that Shmuely must create a life which is kept secret from his parents. For now, it might just be a hidden mental life, where he constantly watches what he says around his parents and hides forbidden books in his backpack. The second thing that happens is that Shmuely decides that he is a "bad" kid. Although part of him believes it correct to not be Orthodox, another part of him feels guilty. His parents would disapprove if they knew, and so would virtually every authority figure he knows. Perhaps all of his friends, too. He has no constructive role model he can turn to.

He's a bad kid. A rebel with a secret. In the pained logic of the situation, he might decide that if he's a bad person, he might as well start hanging out with the other rebels in school. If he's going to turn lights on and off on shabbat when his parents aren't around, he might as well try alcohol and marijuana (or worse.) He might also develop depression as a result of feeling estranged from his parents and other role models and turn to drugs in desperation.

What can parents do to prevent this scenario? Ideally, they would establish a relationship where their children know they can always be honest and remain loved. An environment in which Orthodox Judaism is strongly encouraged, but it's understood that if it's not for their kids, it's not for them. Teaching values which aren't completely intertwined with Orthodoxy, so that if a child decides she doesn't believe in Orthodoxy, she'll still believe in being a good person, and will know her parents will still look at her as a good person. A willingness to be open to children who have different personalities and different aspirations than do their parents.

Truth and Fearmongering

There is one more aspect of the problem I'd like to address. Parents must be honest with their children about the risks of drugs, alcohol, and sex. No fearmongering. Kids are smart, and if their parents tell them things which aren't true, not only will they not believe those things, but they'll doubt everything else their parents say as well. Don't tell them that marijuana is just as bad as meth. They probably know people who smoke marijuana, and the fact is that it isn't as dangerous as parents often say it is. Learn the facts, and relate them to your children. Don't say, "Don't you dare drink" or "If you drink, you can find a new house to live in," explain precisely what the dangers of drinking are. As for sex, don't just say "It's forbidden before marriage." Teach them your moral and halakhic beliefs if you want, but also teach them the facts. (e.g. birth control pills don't prevent STDs; you can get HIV from oral sex. I knew Orthodox teens who had sex before anybody told them these important facts.)